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I have just listened to the wonderful interview hosted by Paulette Bethel in her global teleseminar series, in which she talked to Kilian Kröll about FIGT, the annual conference and the process of submitting a presentation proposal. As ever, Kilian was articulate, erudite and passionate in input, but one thing that really struck me was a comment by Paulette.

She referred to her own RFP (Request For Proposal) submission, and how she didn’t expect to be selected. Which made me laugh out loud, because that was exactly how I felt when I put in my first proposal. The goal was to complete the paperwork and submit, never thinking that a global organization like FIGT would be interested in hearing what someone like me, a so-called ‘trailing spouse’ had to say.

One of the unique things about FIGT is the diversity of its community, not just in terms of cultures, geographical locations and backgrounds, but in terms of experience. Yet it manages to greet each individual with a warm welcome and find value in every voice, every experience and every journey.

It’s one of the reasons you should consider submitting a proposal to present at the 2014 annual conference. This year’s theme, The Global Family: Redefined, aims to unite the expertise of those serving the expat community with those who are living a life in global transition, from the perspective of thought leaders, authors, researchers, educators, cross-cultural trainers, destination service providers and expats and their families themselves.

For me personally, it was a voyage of discovery. Past conferences have showcased the talents and tales of diplomats, corporate employers, parents, partners, Third Culture Kids, talking around topics from resilience to repatriation, mental health to moving on, and everything in between. But what I gained was confidence; both in the validity of my story and my ability to participate in shaping the transition experiences of people I will never meet.

There is only one thing missing; you and your story. Whether you want to share insight, innovation, inspiration or information, here’s your opportunity. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say.

Listen to Paulette and Kilian discuss their FIGT experiences here.

Contributed by Rachel Yates, a so-called “Trailing Spouse”, who gave up her own career as a lecturer to relocate her life, her family and her dog on her partner’s first international assignment to Kenya, supposedly for a year. Ten years and three continents later, she is now in San Francisco, re-establishing her identity.  She is currently serving as an FIGT Board member and writes at Defining Moves.

I did a brief presentation at the Families in Global Transition conference in Washington, DC, for internationally mobile families about taking special needs children overseas. These are my “top 5″ tips based on years of experience working with international families as an Independent Educational Consultant (IEC).

 

1. Do not expect that international schools will always offer services for children with learning disabilities. Furthermore, even though the school may be known as “the American school”, American schools overseas do not have a federal mandate of IDEA to provide special education services like they would in the United States.

2. Many children with learning disabilities also need other wrap-around services, i.e. physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech and language therapy, that may or may not be available overseas. This must be investigated.

3. Those who offer services are often expats themselves – if you identify their services, they may not be there when you arrive, or may not stay in the foreign location for the entire time of your stay, or have openings for new students. Check before going.

4. Some families realize their children are struggling after they arrive. Sometimes this is due to transition and resiliency issues, so you want to give things time to settle down. However, it is also important to get these students a quality psycho-educational evaluation as early as possible. The younger a child is when his/her needs are identified, the more effective the intervention can be. Do not wait too long before getting help.

 

5. The most successful students are those whose parents are extremely well-informed and pro-active – researching options, finding resources, getting their kids help, and if no adequate resources are there at that location, then a boarding school that specializes in learning differences, or offers support to students with learning differences, may be a viable option.

 

Here another article on this topic, or go to http://rnginternational.com/articles-interviews-blog

 

Special Needs and Schooling Abroad

Contributed by Rebecca Grappo, an Educational Consultant and the mother of three grown expat kids.  Becky has lived almost 30 years as an expat in Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Portugal, Jordan, Oman, the UAE and Israel.  She is now based in Denver, Colorado and blogs at RNG International Educational Consultants

There are many considerations when launching an international job search. You need to think about including what you want to do versus what opportunities are available, who are your potential contacts, where to look for potential openings, and how to apply for jobs. Here are a few tips you may not have considered:

1. Understand your competition. When searching for a job as an expat in another country it would be helpful to remember that your competition will mostly likely consist of locals. There are many foreign-educated localscompeting for the best jobs in most countries; even though there may not be many expats in the market, and despite the fact that in some countries scores of locals may be leaving the country to pursue better lives abroad, there is still a good base of qualified locals to fill the best positions.

2. Be prepared to negotiate in a culturally-appropriate way. Getting things done in some countries can be tricky. Negotiating can come in handy when dealing with government employees and tough employers. Just be careful not to cross the line; cash is often considered a bribe, but gifts may be appropriate in some countries and cultures. Learn the culturally-appropriate ways to negotiate in your destination country, including how to communicate appropriately, how to ask for someone’s time, how to negotiate a salary, and how to find out about job openings. You can find some information online, such as at Kwintessential, for tips on how to do this.

3. Create a solid network of contacts. The old saying, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know” is very applicable in most countries. Meeting people in a new country can be challenging, but in most cases, there should be no shortage of chances to make contacts. You can most likely find exhibitions, conferences, seminars, and roundtable discussions open to the general public. Finding them is relatively easy if you know how to connect with the expat and professional community. Attending the events is a perfect opportunity to make new professional contacts on neutral turf. Expat Women has an excellent list of expat groups around the world.

4. Know the business environment. More and more international companies and organizations are entering into emerging markets, creating opportunities for expats and locals alike. Stay connected with what has been happening through the Chambers of Commerce in the country.

5. Market your expat status. As an expat you have certain qualities and skills that will be valuable to many companies. Your knowledge of the business environment in your home country could be very useful in another country. Your language skills or university education can be very attractive to potential employers, and your different take on business, ethical, cultural, and political issues will certainly help your colleagues to develop a more well-rounded view of the world. Living and working in another country will allow you to learn and teach at the same time.

We’d like to hear from you! What tips do you have to share with others on an international job search?

Contributed by Susan Musich, Executive Director & Founder of Passport Career, a comprehensive, online global job search support system.  She is currently serving on the Board of Directors of FIGT and blogs atPassportCareer.com

•    Four of Jupiter’s moons

•    Hundreds and thousands of stars that had never been seen before

•    The rings of Saturn

•    That Venus has phases also, just like our moon

Eppur si muove.

Contributed by Norman Viss, an expatriate coach who has many years of broad international experience working with people from a wide variety of cultures, including a 10 year span of living in Nigeria, West Africa, and 22 years in the Netherlands. Currently he lives in the Philadelphia, USA and blogs at the Everyday Expat Support Center

 

So do the sexes have anything in common in this regard? Clearly men and women do NOT have the same experience when they go through the menopause, men don’t have to come to terms with the undeniable knowledge that they are infertile. And yet men’s and women’s bodies are always ageing. Hormonally the changes are slower and more subtle for men, and so the physical symptoms are less profound and noticeable. To call it a male menopause at all is considered by many misleading. So how is it that a woman who feels perfectly normal around the time of mid-life, might notice her male partner is changing and having a crisis?

It seems lifestyle factors (rather than physical ones) are at play and can impact on both sexes. These are more likely to be the cause of mid life crisis in men, while women are experiencing physical changes to their bodies as well and can be hit by both – joy of joys – as if thirty years of monthly cycles wasn’t tough enough! The lifestyle factors that often impact at this time might include;

The outcome of this mid-life reality check can result in less than positive symptoms for both sexes; here are a few of them:

If you have any of these symptoms and need help, a sensible place to start would be to share them with your doctor.

Many people will experience less serious symptoms in the form of negative thoughts, such as:

At this time of year many of us can find ourselves marking the passage of time as our children have a long summer break from school. For me, this brings into awareness how my children have changed in the last year and what we are doing differently this summer as a result. In my case, two of them have reached new levels of independence, phoning friends to make arrangements and only needing help from me to get them there! That’s natural, they are maturing as they should be, but it also reminds me that they are growing up and I am growing older. I know one day they will no longer need me on a daily basis, maybe that time has already arrived for you? Embracing that life change and shift of identity can be challenging.

If you are an expatriate reader, there may be added stresses that come with living a mobile lifestyle. Perhaps missing out on regular access to long term friends; people who you could share your feelings of ageing with, joking about greying or thinning hair and so on. You may not have the benefits of a well established social life in place. If however, you have stayed in the same locale you will probably notice those around you ageing with you, which can help normalise your own. If there is no acknowledgement, even in jest, it can lead to feelings of isolation. You may not be isolated (I hope you aren’t) or you may think you are unaffected by issues of mid-life. Either way, it might be something to consider as awareness is the key to good self care.

There is plenty of advice out there, it’s not rocket science; good diet, limiting smoking and alcohol, regular sleep pattern and exercise combined with time to pursue whatever makes you happy. Ask yourself what this is? No matter how significant, it could be anything from stroking the dog to excelling at something you know you are good at.

Accept what you cannot change and embrace the positive aspects of ageing; knowledge, understanding, inner peace, increased self esteem…perhaps you would like to add your own comment to this list?

Contributed by Laura J Stephens, a British writer/psychotherapist connecting and sharing transitional wisdom.  Author of 'An Inconvenient Posting' an expat wife's memoir of lost identity Laura currently lives in the UK and blogs at http://laurajstephens.com

I am new here.

Who am I now?

Where do I fit?

Not with the blonde mothers with buggies

and toddlers,

grandparents in tow.

Not with the clean-shaven men,

passes on blue lanyards

tucked into top pockets.

Not with the freshly-wed,

brightly starting expat life

with a Club-Med posting.

How do they see me here?

The criss-crossed creases on my neck

show I am between worlds;

a decade since proud granny

clutched my toddler’s pudgy hand.

Too old and too young

for the sanctuary

of the shaded shallow pool,

letting my brown legs dangle in the cool,

blowing up arm bands

rubber rings.

I wear my empty nest

like facial hair –

with embarrassment.

I bow my head,

stare at my feet,

see only the cracks in the pavement.

Where is my community?

Where will they not see my age?

Where will I not feel out of place,

in the wrong year at school?

If I am to be a sore thumb

then tell me where I’ll find my salve.

Might it be beside the mud-blue sea,

where six stripes of breakers

fold and froth cream claws

towards a latte shore?

And then a soft breeze whips teen tendrils

against my lips.

Palm trees beckon with lithe fingers,

hearts’ tongues nod

because they know

as do I, that

my soul finds friendship with the trees,

the cicadas’ hum,

the mystery of the surf,

rough sand between my toes

and in the smiles of strangers.

FIGT regular, Jo Parfitt, is a poet and publisher who has lived overseas for 25 years now. Earlier this year she joined her husband on a three month assignment in Brunei. This was their first time without children, as theirs are now at university and in Brunei Jo found answers, solace and an outlet for her creativity in writing a blog called Briefly Brunei. The poem below is one of her first entries and will resonate with anyone who has been new in town.

Are you a slipper person?  Do you remove your shoes when entering someone else’s home?  It seems to be quite a sensitive topic and one you need to pay attention to when moving to a new country.

We wore slippers at home when I was a child in England, but it was definitely a comfort thing, like changing out of your school uniform or work clothes into something loose and comfortable.  Wearing slippers or taking off your shoes in someone else’s home would have been very presumptuous, like helping yourself from the fridge and almost bordering on an insult.

When I first arrived in Canada it was mid-winter, so I wasn’t surprised when I saw plastic boot trays inside the door of every Canadian home.  In fact I thought “What a great idea!” given the slushy and salty streets of Toronto.  But as summer rolled around and the boot trays disappeared the habit of removing shoes did not and I quickly realized it was a huge faux-pas to keep your shoes on in a Canadian home.  Walking around in stocking feet or barefoot was the accepted norm for visitors.

When we moved to Azerbaijan I found they also had the shoes by the door habit.  But they took it to the next level and provided a selection of slippers for guests to wear.  My cleaning lady looked at me in horror when she realized I didn’t have any for her to change into.  Although we couldn’t communicate verbally I definitely got the message and quickly rushed off to the local bazaar to buy a supply of cheap cloth slippers in a variety of sizes.  The students who came to me each week to practise their English had their favourite pairs and would even argue if someone took “theirs.”

In the UAE which was much more multicultural, many people didn’t even keep their shoes inside – they’d be relegated to the porch or hallway if it were an apartment building.  And the steps of the mosques would be a jumble of hastily doffed footwear 5 times a day.  How frequently did someone end up with the wrong pair, I wondered?  Was it always a genuine mistake?

This weekend I saw an online discussion on the topic.  It was interesting to see different nationalities line up on each side of the debate.  Strangely both the shoes-off and shoes-on supporters argued that their custom was more clean and hygienic.  Are bare, sweaty (and sometimes dirty, bleurgh) feet preferable to shoes worn in the street?  Is it insulting to ask someone from a shoes-on society to remove their shoes in a shoes-off home?  As someone who quickly adapted to the shoes-off rule, I was surprised at the strong resistance many had to it.  Should you adopt local customs, or is it OK to keep your own when it comes to your personal living space?  Is there a happy medium?  I’m not sure I have an answer.

Contributed by Judy Rickatson, a repatriate to Canada who has also lived in the UK, Azerbaijan, Egypt and the United Arab Emirates.  Judy manages the FIGT social media accounts when she's not working in real estate and blogs at Expatriate Life.

Our family was preparing to leave our expat posting after six years of life there.  Our four children ranged in age from seven to thirteen.  When the weeks of the ‘last times’ came, I began to be embarrassed by my 13-year-old son’s behavior.  A friend, teacher or other significant adult friend would come up and say to him, “Goodbye,  good luck, and it’s been really nice having you as a friend.”  He would look the other direction, act very uncomfortable, and then walk away. I was angry at him for being, what I considered, rude.

Upon further reflection, I realized that he had never been in a position before where he had had to say goodbye as an older child.  He actually did not know the words to say goodbye.  I had thought through what I wanted to say in farewell to people I knew in various roles: close friends, acquaintances, my children’s teachers, co-workers, co-members of groups and associations, household staff.  But I had never helped my children think through those words of farewell.

As parents, we teach our children all the polite words of our culture.  “Please”, “Thank you”, “Excuse me”, “Hello, how are you?”, “I’m fine.”, etc., are all words and phrases that we remind our children of practically in our sleep with the purpose of enabling them to function in polite society.  But I had not taught my children what to say when you are leaving someone who has been your best friend, and the likelihood is that you will never see that person again.  I had not given them those tools.  So, along with being sad and probably angry that he had to leave his home, my son was in an unknown place when it came to voicing the words that make up ‘saying goodbye’ in various situations.

In addition, I believe that saying these words provides a psychological ‘ending’ to verbalize passing through the ritual of  farewell.  It is acknowledging out loud the close of a chapter in our lives; reinforcing in another way that this is really happening, and helping us move through the experience in a more positive way.  When they don’t have these tools, our children will have feelings of embarrassment and awkwardness on top of the other difficult feelings that leaving prompts.

How can we work with our children to teach them these words?  What can we do to help them think through to whom they need to say goodbye, and what is appropriate to say in each instance?  This may change a bit from culture to culture, and also depend on the situation they are leaving behind.  But I do not doubt that a little thought and preparation in this area will go a long way in assisting your child through this time in their lives.

Here is an article you might find helpful, from the weblog of The Forum for Expatriate Management.

Contributed by Norman Viss, an expatriate coach who has many years of broad international experience working with people from a wide variety of cultures, including a 10 year span of living in Nigeria, West Africa, and 22 years in the Netherlands. Currently he lives in the Philadelphia, USA and blogs at the Everyday Expat Support Center

I can’t pretend to be a child development expert, nor a global relocation counselor, but having transitioned two children through a total of 15 schools over 3 continents in 11 years, I’ve worked out a few basic rules of my own for getting from A to B while minimizing tantrums, traumas and general rebellion. (These rules relate to the emotional transition rather than the physical ones – for my (dubious) wisdom on the rest, see the Basics – Family section.)

1. Keep them informed, but not overwhelmed.

My mother spent many years working in child development, which included doing the dreaded ‘puberty’ talks. Experience taught her that the earlier you give them information, the less intimidating it becomes and that they only absorb what they are emotionally capable of taking on, so you may have to repeat things later. This advice holds true for relocating; once you know you are moving, include them in the planning and discussions, and let them have some control over their own lives. The amount of information and input will vary according to the age of the children concerned – see the Basics – Family section for more specific information.

2. Move at the end of a vacation, not at the start.

The biggest mistake we ever made was moving to the US at the start of the summer vacation, thinking it would be exactly that – a vacation. Instead, we were swamped with paperwork, house hunting, car and home furnishing purchases and generally no-fun stuff – all with two very lonely, grumpy and unhelpful children in tow. We learned our lesson, and on the next move, we spent the summer in our old location, with the kids fully occupied with friends and us free to do a great deal of the planning, packing and paperwork in the comfort of our own home with internet, friends and leisurely goodbyes. We arrived rested at the new location, with five days to get oriented. It was enough to unpack essentials, register at school and meet a few people before the kids headed into school  and I could get on with the grunt work of establishing a new home. Within days they had friends, play dates and a routine that made them feel more secure, and within six weeks, I was once again Chief Transportation Officer for their many and varied social activities..

3. Fill the void.

For the first month or so in our new location, I plan activities geared around the children, including many things that I would ordinarily avoid like the plague. I do this for two reasons; firstly it helps to remind my children that I once was good at something other than nagging and gets them desperate to make friends and escape family outings, and secondly, it fills the time void with things they have chosen to do in the local area (and hopefully have planned themselves). I also make sure that they have unlimited texting on their cellphones (cue eye roll) and access to email and Skype, so any extra time can be filled moaning to their global buddies about just how lame their parents are. It’s a strange form of normal, but it bridges the gap remarkably well..

4. Expect issues.

The more they transition, the more they understand the process of relocation, but sometimes that works against you, and you get a stubborn, unwilling teenager on your hands who can make your life a living Hell. I’d like to offer sage wisdom to get you through it, but all I can really say is that it is our fault so deal with it as best you can.Robin Pascoe’s excellent books are a great place to start, and in most cases it will work itself out once they start to make friends and establish their own life. If necessary, get counseling for whoever might need it – either with a local family therapist, or via online expat counseling.

Finally, bear in mind that you are under a great deal of stress, and so you will almost certainly be taking this very personally. Sadly, no-one has written the definitive, foolproof instruction manual for raising children in a static environment, let alone a nomadic one, so just give yourself a break, remind yourself that no-one is perfect, and we are all doing the best we can. If you need evidence of how badly the rest of us are doing at the whole global parenting thing, check out theTrailing Spouse  blog. You are in excellent company..