Being apart often or over long periods of time can challenge the strongest of relationships. Expat counselor Harriet Cannon shares three practical tips to help keep your relationship together when you are apart.
Care in technology use
The way most people use technology doesn’t work so smoothly when they are continents and multiple time zones apart. More visuals such as Skype will help but in today’s world of immediacy, the challenge is having patience to wait, and cherish important news with your sweetheart before you put it out to the rest of the world.
For example, Sue had a two month business trip to Singapore while Juan was home in San Francisco, CA with their baby. Juan put a video of their baby’s first steps on Facebook and YouTube. Sue woke up to congratulations from around world and felt betrayed, not having been first to see the video and share the moment with Juan.
Think before you post or text. It’s harder to patch hurt feelings long distance.
Time zone respect
Relationships can go crosswise with calls or texts to your partner jarring him/her out of a dead sleep to talk about things like tonight’s concert or that co-worker who drives you crazy.
Make specific time zone conscious appointments with your partner and keep them. It gives you both something to look forward to. Sleep time calls should be left for emergencies.
Empathy parties
Sharing in daily life happens organically in a relationship. But when you are apart for weeks or months, the flow gets out of sync. Across the country or world, perhaps a new culture and language for one of you, and double duty with home plus job for the other...
When what you really want is a long distance hug, the common trap of ‘who’s got the tougher deal going’ can get in the way. It’s important to use emotional intelligence, listen deeply, and mine for events and feelings across the miles.
Planning times to talk when you have ‘down time’ is essential and empathy parties will keep your relationship humming until you are physically together again.
Harriet Cannon, LMFT, LMHC is an expat, counselor and coach and co-author of Mixed Blessings: A Guide to Multicultural and Multiethnic Relationships. She blogs at www.mixed-blessings.com.
